Saturday, July 19, 2014

Letter to a Former Lover

I can write this feeling safe in my knowledge that you will never read it. Yes, it is public. No, it will not hold your attention beyond the first few, embittered paragraphs. It might not hold anybody's attention.
I'm not writing it for you.
I'm writing it for me.
Dear [pick one] ---
I am happy for you.
I wish you and your boring girlfriend nothing but the best during your boring life, filled with boring conversations and boring sex which leads to boring children who grow into boring adults and will bore people like me with tales of their boring childhoods.
You and your unexceptional wife will decay into boring old people who cling desperately to the banalities of your long passed youth until you inevitably succumb to some boring illness.
Your friends and relatives, those that outlive you, will tell mind numbing stories about what a swell guy you were and what a pleasant life you lived.
And your children will be sad. Maybe your grandchildren too.
The world will not know that it sloughed off one of its myriad parasites.
You will not know that the gnawing feeling of dissatisfaction, the growing numbness you felt when you looked into your wife's equally vacant eyes, was derived of boredom.
Boredom made you drive your car too fast, and watch too much television, and drink too much on weekends, and buy more furniture, and eat more chicken nuggets, and talk and talk about your glory days, and cheat on your sweet boring wife with girls like me, and grow fat and far too lazy to break out of the monotony you found yourself locked into.
I am happy for you.
You have settled into a state of inertia which is comfortable and easy and safe.
I am happy for her, the one you chose to keep and grant a lifetime of serene stability.
I'm happier for me.
Even if I'm angry, and hurt, and resentful, I can still feel those things in a way that is meaningful, if only to me.
I can, and I will, fuck and cry and love and hate and make and destroy and hurt those around me who are capable of being hurt and regret it later.
I have so much shit to do.
Stay the fuck out of my way.

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