Thursday, February 27, 2014

Facebook Stereotypes Part II

Last year I wrote a post about weird, obnoxious people everybody seems to know on Facebook (here it is!). I promised a follow up. This is that follow up. Again, I found the images on google and am using them without permission. If there's any legal issue I'll take them down. Just like that.

This is usually a girl between the ages of 14 and 20, although I've seen them well into their thirties and fourties at which point I would really think they'd know better. They seem to fluctuate between revelling in the wonderful joy that is being alive, and feeling utterly miserable about everything. I sympathize with these people, truly I do. I've been on a hormonal rollercoaster for the last ten years without a break. But, with the exception of a few fuck-ups which I removed as soon as I sobered up, I try not to announce my emotional instability on Facebook to be seen by (more or less) everybody I know and a good few people I don't really know at all.

Maybe.... maybe you should just... you know, take it easy with this one?
- Half of their status updates are song lyrics (bonus points if they are from a Taylor Swift song. Or Wrecking Ball, the most Taylor Swift song performed by someone other than Taylor Swift)
- They post those inspirational pictures either about how everybody should just cease their worrying and learn to appreciate the beauty in everything or about how boys who cheat are scumbags
- Bonus points if they have a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week

The Upshot:
This shit is more entertaining than a soap opera.

All this person ever does is repost stuff from those pages with titles like 'Humour Inc.', 'Meanwhile In Wisconsin' and 'GET IN THE TRUNK BITCH LOL'

Premium comedy
- They post between 75 and 200 times per day
- Bonus points if everything they post has to do with weiners.

The Upshot:
They will post stuff that is, actually, really funny.

Usually a dude, this person posts everything from sports scores, to hot news stories, to TV spoilers, all with their own invaluable commentary. They are the greatest natural enemy of Spoiler Nazis (ya know, those people who cut off all contact with the human realm until they've seen the most recent episode of House of Thrones or whatever). And yes, I am coining the term Spoiler Nazi. It came from here, folks. Actually, wait, somebody already came up with that. Fuck.

I'm not sure what sport they're watching but I'd really like to find out
- They always have some sort of personal connection to whatever it is they're posting about
- Even if they don't have any connection with the subject, they attempt to inject one
- For some reason they think people care how they feel about any given thing

The Upshot:
Knowing this person on Facebook means I don't need to own a television.

Then there's this motherfucker. As far as they're concerned, Facebook is nothing more than a platform on which to play games. That's not the annoying part. The annoying part is that I get sixty-twelve game requests a day from about three people. They just pile up in my notifications list. And honestly, it's not the person's fault. I know how addictive games are. I play Wonder Zoo on my phone (my aunt and my four year old cousin got me into that one).

This is my zoo. I'm level fifty, motherfucker.
These games get you hooked then tell you that you can't play anymore unless you pay money or invite your friends. They're like shady drug dealers, and they turn reasonably okay people into monsters. I give tremendous kudos to people who play these games and don't invite me to play them. Way to go, you know who you are.

Not gonna lie, I would probably play Duck Party.
- Pretty much all the games are the same puzzle game with different pictures
- The game always seems to need help with something and I feel like a cold hearted bastard when I refuse said help.

The Upshot:
Ya know, I honestly can't think of any way that this is useful.