|Because I look like this. Also, I can cook, just sayin.|
So, barring the proper combination of pheromones, good looks, alcohol and desperation (I might think I want anybody temporarily if they're nice and I'm drunk), this is the surefire way to get - and, more importantly, keep - this girl.
HAVE A JOB
This one is really, really important, which is why it goes right at the top. There is nothing more depressing than somebody with no ambition to work. It doesn't have to be anything spectacular - I don't care if you work as a fry cook at McDick's or a plucker at the turkey plant, just as long as you have something to do with yourself besides loaf around on the couch all day and bum money off me.
DON'T GIVE ME MONEY
It might seem like a nice gesture seeing as I'm broke most of the time but if you start handing me cash - or worse, paying my bills - I'm going to be insulted. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on you to get by. If you want to buy me a coffee or something, that's cool, but don't straight up give me money. I'm not a prostitute.
"PRETTY" IS A BETTER ADJECTIVE THAN "HOT"
"Smart" is even better than that.
APPRECIATE THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL
I don't mean to sound arrogant here but, in the spirit of honesty, I don't have any problem finding guys who will fuck me. I have standing offers from dudes I could call up any old time to get laid, no word of a lie. Even if that wasn't the case, if I go out to the bar I am guaranteed to meet at least one dude who would gladly take me home. But I don't want that. I want you. I like you. You're great. Respect that.
RESPECT MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
I have friends. I like to hang out with them. They've stood by me through all kinds of unspeakable shit and they'll still be around if you leave. Don't ever try to compete with them for my attention because you will lose. Some of my closest friends are guys and I understand that there is a whole testosterone things going on there but try not to start shit if you can help it. Also, to return to the previous point, if I wanted to fuck them, I wouldn't be with you.
My family is sort of like that (not the fucking thing obviously, none of that now, but the other stuff) but more so. I love my parents and my brother more than anything or anybody else. You can say virtually anything to or about me, but if you talk smack about them I'll take a bad one. There will be blood.
To that point, once you get into my heart I will defend you with the same fervour.
UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE PROBLEMS
So do you. So does everybody else. I have a certain propensity towards erratic mood swings and a tendency to try to self medicate with alcohol with varying degrees of success. Normally, when I am in one of my moods (depression or rage being the worst of these), I do what I can to stay away from everybody. If you come into my space when I am avoiding everything with a pulse, well, don't be surprised if I'm a little morose or short tempered. Just remember that it's not you that makes me like that and if I accidentally do unleash on you, it doesn't mean I don't like you or anything like that. Plus, I'll go out of my way to make it up to you later.
This also means that I'll go out of my way to understand and accept whatever issues you have. Everybody's got them and trust me, I can deal with a lot. My ex was an emotionally abusive, clinically depressed alcoholic with a criminal record, serious jealousy problems and an intellect just slightly below that of the average tractor. He also killed one of my cats. And he was the one who dumped me. So unless you compulsively murder people or smuggle drugs in your butt just for fun, you're probably not that bad.
REALIZE THAT I AM NOT YOUR PROPERTY
Just because I am emotionally capable of shouldering a lot of shit doesn't mean I have to, or that I am going to. If you ever start thinking that you can do whatever you want because you own me, or because I "can't live without you", just remember that I got by for over two decades without your help. I'll be just fine.
HAVE YOUR OWN HOBBIES
Like, you know, something you can do on your own in your downtime. My schedule will probably not synchronize perfectly with your schedule so instead of calling and texting me constantly while I'm working, or worse, sleeping (there is nothing which makes my blood boil more than being woken up by my phone), go build a model train or fix your guitar or organize your stamp collection or whatever.. Also, I am fascinated by everything but only to a point. Once you go beyond that point, don't expect me to feign interest. Really, do you want me to just pretend to care about what you're doing? If you're not interested in how I draw comics, or Norse mythology, or how many different kinds of cheese there are, just walk away. I won't be mad. I'm pretty damn independant, if you haven't got that picture by now.
DON'T TRY SO HARD TO IMPRESS ME
If I'm not impressed by the person you are, I'm definitely not going to be impressed by the person you make yourself out to be. No amount of bragging or bullshitting is going to change that.
USE YOUR BRAIN
It's more than just a big old sack of goo taking up space in your cranium. It is - hopefully - the most exciting and attractive thing about you. I'm not necessarily talking about intelligence, and I'm not saying you have to be on par here - I am trying to sound arrogant here, but I'm an intellectual and have met maybe a few people who can keep up with me. It's okay if you don't. I'm not going to think you're stupid. What I want is someone who has a few thoughts bouncing around in his head different from my own, with the capacity and inclination to contemplate things beyond just acting on basic biological impulses "because I felt like it". That shouldn't be all that taxing but most people seem to have trouble with it.
DON'T TRY TO TRICK ME
Because you can't. In the most dramatic example, suppose that you, O Hypothetical Boyfriend, were to hypothetically cheat on me with another hypothetical woman (or man, for that matter. Equal opportunity). This has never happened to me but from observing others and watching television, I have ascertained that it's pretty bad. If something of that ilk (or anything really. I'd honestly be more distressed if a man was stealing from me, or lying about his feelings towards me, or secretly beating my dog. At least I understand the biological impulses behind cheating) happened, just tell me. For one thing, you'll feel a lot better getting that off your chest. For another thing, I will find out (I'm pretty sharp, see) and I'd rather find out from you than someone else. Yes, I will be upset, angry even, but that will pale in comparison to the mythic fury that will be witnessed upon you should I find out you've been trying to trick me. Seriously, the Erinyes ain't got shit on me when I've been crossed.
I will forgive all sins but one and that is being made to feel stupid.