Thursday, May 23, 2013

Facebook Stereotypes Part I

I had big plans for what I was gonna do after I got off work today. I was gonna work-out, I was gonna take a shower, I was gonna eat some food. Instead I just drank beer and watched youtube. On a positive note, I also came up with this blog about the things people do on Facebook.

I was probably about ten when I realized that people really only talk about a handful of things (the most common topics being who they fucked, who they want to fuck, how much beer they can drink, what they would eat if they weren't so fat, and how they wish they weren't broke - that's what I talk about 95% of the time anyway. The rest is books and jellyfish). Facebook amplifies this by isolating a single person's single thought in status form, often without context and often without dialogue, discussion, conversation or whathaveyou.

So I decided to exaggerate that, and then make fun of it, and then post it on facepage because that seems like a really good idea. Without further ado, here are some of my favourite Facebook Stereotypes.
(P.S. I found most of the pictures on google. Some of them pictures may be copyrighted to somebody. If that somebody happens to be you, drop me a line and I will apologize profusely.)

This person - usually female, I'm sure there are some dudes who do this but I haven't seen one yet - really loves their kids. They're always posting updates about how their kids are doing in school or extracurricular activities, or pictures of their kids, or inspirational images about parenting.

Some people also do this with their pets.

- The kids' lives are waaaaay more exciting than anything I was up to at that age
- The kids often have modern and/or unusual names and even stranger nicknames
- Bonus points if this person has, like, forty children
The Upshot:
As stated before, Momma posts tons of pictures of her/his kids, a lot of which are almost unbearbly cute. Since I am unwilling to have my own children, I like to live vicariously through my friends' facebook shit.

This kid is under the delusion that they are some kind of ultimate badass (I can't make too much fun here coz I more or less used to think I was a female, not-dead Kurt Cobain (this is me circa 2008), but I respected my parents damnit). They are either rambling on about how much they hate school, or how they are doing some sort of illicit activity. I never understood this. If I'm going to smoke a doob - which, for the record, I'm not, thankyou very much - I'm not going to brag about it on facepage. For one thing, that shit is, for whatever reason still techincally unlegal in this country. For another, everybody and their grandpaw smokes a doob now and then, get over yourself.

You're twelve, dude, what the fuck
- Profile picture involves backwards hat, faux-gold chains, mom's bathroom mirror and a thug sign. Bonus points for a handful of twenty dollar bills.

yeeeeeeah bro
- Doesn't understand that everybody knows that they are twelve.
- Extra bonus points if s/he is friends with his/her parents and gets called out.
The Upshot:
One, I'm glad I wasn't quite this bad when I was a kid. Two, I will recognize the advance signs in my own hypothetical children. Or my friends' children. And then I will be forced to.... correct them.

Again, this one is usually a girl but can probably be a guy as well. Generally 19-20 years of age, if they are any older it's not gonna be by much. They are only active from about four PM on a Friday until 10 AM on a Monday. The rest of the time is nothing but drunkenness and debauchery. I'm somewhat in this category but I'm going to set myself apart because contrary to statuses updated in jest, s/he is not: "a toooootal alcoholic" because s/he apparently only seems to drink on weekends. Unlike myself. I drink every fucking day.

In all fairness, I have been here and her spelling is WAY better than mine ever is
- Profile picture was taken at a bar or nightclub or party or whatever it is the young folks do these days
- If they post anything during the week (AKA "sober time) it's going to be song lyrics
- Uploads or is tagged in 174 pictures on Sunday from the Wicked Party!!! Bonus points for garish make-up, obviously fake tan, or duck face
- Uses way more letters than necessary in any given word.
The Upshot:
If you need to know where the party's at, ask this chick.

Nothing ever seems to be going this person's way. Whether it's work, their social life, bills, relationships, health problems, everything is horrible, all the time and it doesn't look like it's going to get better. Ever. And, you know, it's never anything really serious. Like, the people who have cancer or just lost a family member or something always post stuff like: "It's all in God's plan, I'm going to live what's left of my life appreciating the beauty in all things" or "RIP Aunt Rachel, can't think of anybody who lived life more freely than you, love you always" or something else uplifting and - no sarcasm here what-so-fucking-ever - without fail makes my eyeballs leak. Meanwhile, this person's all like, "oh my god I stubbed my toe this is the worst thing that ever happened to anybody".

Alternates between self-censoring foul launguage and writing out the most obscene things on hand, probably depending on their level of ire.
- Inexplicably talks shit behind peoples' backs, then shares pictures with captions about how they don't want shit spoken behind their backs. And calls out anonymous people behind their backs about talking shit behind everybody else's back. What the fuck?
- Bonus points if they state how much they "hate drama".
The Upshot:
No matter how bad my life gets, no matter what bullshit gets thrown at me, it is clearly nowhere near as bad as whatever this person has up their ass.

This post is getting kinda tl;dr and I'm getting kinda drunk so I'm going to break it up into parts. More to come.

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