The Bitchy Girl's Guide to Surviving the Break-Up

So I recently broke up with my first boyfriend. It sucks, and though there are lots of guides on the internet for dealing with this shit but most of them have ten or more steps and I've summed it up in five, so that's good.

The other problem with the articles I sort of skimmed is that they're all painfully sentimental. What about us girls who just go "meh, fuckit". How are we supposed to cope?! So, for the reading pleasure of the cynical and/or heartless bitch, is how I am getting through my break up.

PHASE ONE:

Wallow in self pity. This was the least productive phase, and involved crying until I run out of fluids, listening to a lot of Taylor Swift (I recommend the song "You're Not Sorry" - it's sad but defiant) and posting song lyrics on facepage, wondering why this happened, and complaining to my female friends. Eventually this passed and I moved on to...

PHASE TWO:

Getting really shit faced. This is hands down the best phase, and continues throughout the whole sequence. I recommend cheap white wine because it's awesome. If you can find a bottle of wine for under ten dollars, buy that shit. Buy, like, twelve. Have a stash. I also like to drunk dial my ex when I get drunk/stoned, which isn't something I really recommend but it sort of happens involuntarily. Much like the crying in phase one.

PHASE THREE:

Go crazy. Relationships are stupid, men are stupid, everything is stupid except drinking booze and getting more cats. Because you can never have too many cats. I stopped shaving my legs, my armpits, my chest, my moustache, I stopped showering, I gained weight from eating nothing but triple chocolate ice cream with butter and bacon mixed in there, because fuckit. It was glorious. And then I started to miss the good things about the relationship...

PHASE FOUR:

The problem being that I didn't really want to spend the time getting to know another guy, and I'm not the type of girl to just hook up with some random dude at a bar (sometimes I wish I was, but no). So that's another shitshow.

PHASE FIVE:

Supposedly there comes a point where you get over it and get stronger or some shit, but so far I always just wind up sleeping with my ex in exchange for cigarettes, which inevitably leads to guilt and remorse and brings us back to

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