Monday, March 26, 2012

The 10 Commandments of Roadtripping

My brother and I went on a roadtrip to visit our grandfather in Yarmouth last week, doing the whole eight hour drive in one haul. I spend a lot of time riding shotgun with my brother because a) I'm bored and b) he has a bitchin truck, but during this particularly long excursion I noticed some traditions, mostly when driving from New Brunswick to Nova Scotia or vice versa, compiled and presented here should you need instructions for driving from province to provice.

1. Thou Shalt Purchase Gasoline in New Brunswick, Where it is Cheaper, Filling the Fuel Tank of Thy Vehicle to Capacity and Filling as Many Jerrycans as Thou Canst Prior to Entering Nova Scotia. While Within Nova Scotia, Thou Shalt Avoid Purchasing Gasoline Unless Absolutely Necessary.

2. When Thou Fillest Thy Vehicle's Fuel Tank with Gasoline, Thou Shalt Get a Coffee at the Gas Station. Coffee Shall Be the Beverage of Thy Road Trip and Thou Shalt Not Obtain nor Consume Any Beverage Other Than Coffee for the Duration of the Road Trip.

3. In Accordance with The Prophecy, Thou Shalt Hear the Following Songs on the Radio During the Road Trip - "Hillbilly Deluxe" Performed by Brooks and Dunn; "Turn me On" Performed by David Guetta and Nicki Minaj; "Good Feeling" Performed by Flo Rida; and "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" Performed by Trace Adkins, for These Are the Songs of the Road Trip. The Prophecy Must Be Fulfilled and Thou Shalt Not Conclude Thy Road Trip Until All Four Songs Have Been Played.

4. Thou Shalt Sing T-Pain's "Hey Baby" When Thou Seest a Well Kept Vehicle of Antique Vintage During the Road Trip.

5. Thou Shalt Utter Jubilant Noise Upon Crossing the New Brunswick/Nova Scotia Border Regardless of Direction.

6. Thou Shalt Eat Only the Most Sacred of Foods During the Road Trip. These Foods are Beef Burgers, Potatoes and Potato Derived Substances, Corn Derived Substances, and Non-Alcoholic Carbonated Beverages Provided Said Beverage is Preceded by Coffee. Vegetables May Be Be Consumed During the Road Trip Provided They Be Offered Upon a Burger Made from Cow's Flesh, or Processed Into a Sauce to Be Served with Potato Derived Substances.

7. Thou Shalt Vehemently Curse Poor Drivers, Invoking Not Only the Names of Our Lord Jesus Christ and God Almighty, but also Various Bodily Organs and Their Functions.

8. Thou Shalt Not Suffer any Ford Produced Vehicle to Pass Thy Vehicle, and Upon Seeing a Ford Produced Vehicle Thou Shalt Accelerate to Attain the Speed Necessary to Pass the Ford Produced Vehicle.

9. When Passing the Ford Produced Vehicle, Thou Shalt Speak the Sacred Incantation Protecting Thyself from Henry Ford and His Legion.

10. Thou Shalt Wear Comfortable Footwear During the Road Trip in the Event that the Truck Breaks Down and Thou Hast to Walk to a Service Station.

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