My brother and I were on the road today and starving because neither one of us had had breakfast. He suggested we stop somewhere and get the biggest, greasiest burger we could. We stopped at a Wendy's and he ordered a Baconator. I thought "Baconator" sounded pretty good - almost like it had bacon in it - so I ordered that too.
"The Baconator is all meat" my brother said. I did not understand the gravity of what he was telling me until we got our food and returned to the car. I sucked back my poutine as usual (because I apparently have a death wish) and unwrapped the burger.
For those unfamiliar with "The Baconator" as I was before two thirty this afternoon, it is comprised of a soft white bun, ketchup, mayonnaise, bacon, processed cheese and two burger patties. There is no lettuce, tomato, pickle, relish or mustard involved with the baconator. It's all meat. I began working on it, delighted as the grease ran freely down my chin, onto my hands and all over the wax paper I had set down to protect the interior of the car.
It was incredible. It was like being assaulted by the revenant souls of pigs and cows who had been killed in a grease fire and were not happy about it. It was disgusting. It was probably the most north american meal I have ever consumed and I felt guilty doing it.
On a positive note, I have a pretty heavy cold right now and can barely taste anything but the flavour of the apple smoked bacon shone like a beacon of apple in a sea of meat. Don't get me wrong, I love meat but sometimes too much is too much.
The true horror of the baconator came a little bit later, maybe fifteen minutes as I had shoved the final bite of burger down my gullet. We were back on the road and I was feeling a little dizzy from the sudden meat attack to my system when I started getting a sharp pain around the bottom of my rib cage. "Holy shit" I said, poking the spot gingerly lest it burst.
"Heartburn?" my brother asked.
"I sure as hell hope so. If it's not that than either my liver is giving up on my or I'm having a heart attack" Then it occurred to me - how long could a person go eating one baconator per day before their heart exploded? This is not an experiment I want to undertake as I enjoy my life too much, but, you know, theoretically I'd like to know that.
Anyway, I was somewhat relieved to take an enormous shit when I got home as that suggests the burger is already leaving my body. I have written this for posterity, so, in two years time when I find myself saying, "Hey, The Baconator... that sounds good" I can have a reminder of my past experience.
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